Compassion is a word that we hear thrown around a lot. The foundation of many religions is to practice compassion towards others. Self-Compassion, on the other hand, is a relatively new term and not one that we are entirely comfortable. Self-Compassion means turning to ourselves for the comfort, care and safe place that we may not have received growing up.
Kristin Neff (2011) has identified three components of Self-Compassion. The first is being kind to ourselves. This is more than just stopping Self-Judgments but actively turning inward to comfort ourselves. The second is that we recognize there is a common human experience. We all suffer and react to suffering in similar ways. It is when we are isolated and alone with our self-loathing that we forget the rest of humanity. Lastly, Self Compassion incorporates mindfulness. It invites us to step back from our fast paced thoughts and clearly see them for what they are in a non-judging manner.
The initial reaction many people have to the idea of Self-Compassion is that it is weak and about making excuses. We believe instead that it is Self-Judgments that motivate us and help us “tow the line.” This couldn’t be farther from the truth. Self-Judgments keep us in a state of resisting our experience and therefore staying stuck. You may have heard the phrase, “Whatever you resist persists.” It is Self Compassion that allows everything in and all aspects of the self are opened up. It creates a window of freedom in which to express and accept ourselves exactly as we are. This doesn’t mean that we condone bad behaviors but that we understand with compassion where it comes from so that we can change it.
Working with the components of Self-Compassion in therapy has helped my clients to break out of old, conditioned responses. Several clients, who are caught up in a constant cycle of negative thoughts, have commented on how stuck they feel and how angry or depressed they are that it just continues on and on. When I brought the idea of Self-Compassion in, one client suddenly realized that she was angry with herself for being angry with herself. It struck her as so ludicrous that she began to laugh. She now brings in a softer, more caring approach before getting swept away in her anger.
It’s important to acknowledge that practicing Self-Compassion is not easy after so many years of practicing Self-Judgments. Some clients stubbornly avoid it because it can open up a well of untapped grief. Self-Compassion asks us to face our most difficult and painful feelings and just be with them. None of us like to sit with our suffering and we are very creative at avoiding it. Christopher Germer (2009) noted that when bad things happen to us, we tend to react in three ways. We either turn to Self-Judgments (the fight response), we Self-Isolate (the flight response) or we ruminate and become Self-Absorbed (the freeze response). Sometimes we use all three of them!
When we use Neff’s third component of Self-Compassion, mindfulness, we can recognize when our old survival instincts are kicking in. We can rein them in for a moment and sit with the difficult feelings. Feelings are like a wave. They build up until they crest and then dissipate back into the vast ocean of our emotional being. They are temporary but resisting them makes them last longer. By actively embracing negative feelings, new positive emotions are generated. This is counterintuitive to most of us but by going in with compassion, we can finally come out on the other side of our old ways of being.
References:
Germer, Christopher K. (2009). The Mindful path to self-compassion. New York: Guilford Press.
Neff, Kristin (2011). Self-Compassion: Stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind. New York: Harper Collins Publishers.
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